Five Stages of Grief
by malky36
Summary: Bookverse. Glinda is making the journey back to Shiz from the Emerald City. She struggles to understand why she is making it alone. Rated for language in future chapters. All reviews welcome.
1. Denial

Main characters are not mine….Just borrowing them for a bit.

**Stage One: Denial  
**In which an eighteen-year-old Glinda leaves the Emerald City to return to Shiz alone.

Before Glinda could truly register what had just happened, she felt a kiss on the cheek and heard a softly muttered "Hold out, my sweet." And then it was as it always had been, a flurry of green fingers pulling themselves away from her, a hurried goodbye.

But this time, as the tears rolled unashamedly down her face, Glinda knew that it was for good.  
For better or for worse.  
For all time.  
Forever.  
Forever goodbye.

The Glikkun dwarf next to Glinda shifted slightly and cleared her throat loudly.  
"Can't be as bad as all that, girl," the woman said in a gruff voice. "Heard you tellin' the others that she was yer sister but Oz knows I wouldn't want a sister with such an ugly green color to 'er. People might think ya had that sickness in ya, too. Better off without 'er in the long run's what I say."

Normally, with Elphaba by her side, Glinda would have pulled out a sharp retort for the dwarf woman (if Elphie didn't beat her to it). But alone, she felt suddenly lost, resigned, and afraid. Rather than speak, she turned her head away and let the tears overwhelm her even more than before.

Glinda could barely bring herself to look out the carriage window, for when she did, she could see the Emerald City lurking in the background. Even as the city buildings faded farther into the distance becoming nothing more than blurred outlines, the emerald sheen remained as bright and glaring as ever, as if its sole purpose was to mock her, to remind her of what she had lost.

When she could stand the sight no longer, Glinda rested her head against the window and closed her eyes. Almost instantly she fell into a deep, restless sleep borne by her mental and emotional exhaustion.

Nearly four hours later she was startled out of her half-sleep by the Glikkun dwarf who was ungracefully attempting to push her way out of the carriage.

"Horses are waterin'. Time to stretch the legs, girl," said the dwarf. The passengers quickly made their way out into the small stretch of forest near the stream. Glinda wandered to the edge of the water and splashed her face until there was no more evidence of the tears that had stained her cheeks. She looked into her reflection in the stream.

"It's ok," she said to the watery version of herself. "It's ok. Elphie wouldn't do that to you. She wouldn't just abandon you like that. Something must've happened. She just got detained, that's all. She needed to spend another day trying to iron things out. You'll be reunited, I'm sure. She'll find you and you'll go back and face Shiz together. It will all work out….it **will** all work out. Don't fret so much. And besides, your make up runs when you cry. If Elphie sees you with your make up all messy, she'll needle you mercilessly. Hold out, girl. It will all be better soon."

Glinda couldn't deny that she felt much better about things on the whole. Obviously, Elphie had meant for her to understand that they'd be united again. Why else would she have told Glinda to hold out? What else could she possibly hold out for? She climbed back into the carriage with higher spirits than she could have imagined. The others in the coach noticed it too.

"Ya've taken my advice to heart, have ya? I knew ya'd come around and see that you don't need that filthy greeny thing around ya. Yer much too good for that nonsense," said the Glikkun matter-of-factly.

_Ha. Just wait till I tell Elphie about this. She'll give that tubby dwarf a good piece of her mind!_ Glinda chuckled at the thought. Oh the things Elphaba would say to this woman. But then again, she was never really one to keep her mouth shut. Even in the Wizard's chamber Glinda had been sure that Elphie's mouthing off would get them killed right on the spot._ But we survived! And when we get back to Shiz and tell everyone about it, they'll be so amazed. I can hardly wait to see the looks on their faces when she tells them the story!_

The rest of the carriage ride seemed like a blur to Glinda, who spent the rest of the time wondering how and when Elphie was bound to show up. Perhaps it would even be tonight!

They stopped off at a seedy looking inn to spend the night. Glinda was unsure of how to proceed once she stepped out of the coach. Generally, Elphie had been the one to take care of room arrangements each time they stopped. After watching the other passengers, Glinda understood the process and stepped up to take the key to what she was sure would be a small, shabby room with one miserably lumpy bed.

"I'm expecting another traveler to meet me here tonight," Glinda said to the innkeeper. "She's a green girl, you can't miss her. Please let her know which room I'm in when she gets here."

The innkeeper nodded just enough to show that he had registered the request and Glinda slowly made her way up to the room. All she had to do now was wait for Elphaba. So she waited. And waited. And waited.

Since the time she'd arrived, Glinda had made her way back downstairs so she could greet Elphie in person. But it was already early morning and there was still no sign of the green girl. And in her heart, Glinda knew that Elphaba was gone for good.

"Miss," said the innkeeper quietly, so as not to startle her, "It's getting mighty late. I'm headed off to bed myself and you should do the same. If I hear your friend come in, I'll send her up."

"Yes, thank you," she replied off-handedly as she stood up stiffly and headed toward the stairway, "but….but I don't think she's coming."

As she climbed the stairs to her empty room, Glinda expected to feel a new wave of tears splash down her face. _Elphie isn't coming. She's not coming back. Not tonight. Not ever. _But the tears wouldn't come.

There was no reason to cry. She couldn't feel sadness anymore She was numb to it. Instead, a different emotion swooped in to take its place.

"How the hell could you leave me like that?" she asked the empty room. "How could you abandon me? Why would you betray me? Elphaba, WHY?"

She slipped into bed and nestled the thin blanket tightly around her, realizing that she would no longer have Elphie's warmth to protect her. And, finally, she felt fresh tears, not tears of sadness, but of anger.

"People who love other people don't just leave them!" She screamed to the Elphaba that wasn't there. "You don't just…abandon the people you care about! Why did you do it? How could you leave me to face this on my own? I hate you, Elphaba Thropp. I HATE YOU!"

Glinda did not sleep that night.


	2. Anger

Characters aren't mine...dang it. Just don't sue me, ok?

**Stage 2: Anger  
**In which Glinda the "Good" has some anger management issues

The clock on the wall softly chimed four times, but Glinda barely registered the sound. It had been all of two hours since she'd climbed the stairs of the inn and settled back into her room. Two hours since she'd felt the first initial pangs of rage toward Elphaba, realizing that she wasn't coming back.

As a child, Glinda had heard the saying that "time heals all wounds", but she was fairly certain that she was not even slightly less angry than she had been two hours before. In fact, if anything, she was even more enraged. She lay in the lumpy bed with the blanket tucked securely around her. On the outside she was practically freezing, but on the inside, her mind was racing and her heart was seething.

_I trusted her. I gave her my friendship. I stood by her in her time of need. And what do I get in return? Tell me, Elphaba! What do I get in return?_

With a start, Glinda sat up in bed and roughly threw the pillow up against the wall. She kicked the blanket away and ran across the room, only to grab the pillow and throw it again. Again and again she repeated the action, occasionally stopping to punch the lumpy bed, only coming to her senses after one particularly fierce throw of the pillow knocked over the small valise Glinda had brought for the journey.

_Oh for Oz's sake!_ she thought angrily, for even in the dark room, she could see that the entire contents of the bag had been spilled out onto the floor. Begrudgingly, she lit the lamp and knelt down to clean up the mess.

Out of the corner of her eye, Glinda spotted the emerald tinted glasses that she had received upon entering the Emerald City. She had begged Elphie to stop so they could each buy a pair and get the whole experience.

"Put them on! Put them on! You've just _got_ to get the whole experience" Elphaba had said sarcastically after paying the man at the souvenir cart. "Do they make me look green?"

Now, Glinda glared at the glasses as if she were trying to burn a hole through them with her eyes. Without even stopping to think, she strapped on the pointiest pair of high-heeled shoes she'd brought and walked over to where the glasses were laying.

_This was the first thing Elphie ever bought for me,_ she thought angrily as she heard the first crunch of glass and pointed heel connecting. _Not that it matters anymore, of course. Oh no, she made that perfectly clear when she abandoned me to make this Oz-forsaken trip on my own! I get the goddamn message, Elphaba. You never really cared about me at all, did you? _She stomped again._ You said you loved me. I remember. It was when I fainted after that meeting with Horrible Morrible. You told me to be strong because you loved me. _Crunch._ But you never really cared at all._

Glinda sank down to the floor and scooped up the distorted glasses in her hand. She held them an arm's length away and stared at them as she spoke, as if somehow she could communicate with Elphaba through the shattered emerald glass encased in mangled frames.

"You never cared that you were my best friend. It didn't matter to you, did it? Well it mattered to me, Elphaba. It meant something to me. You made me see things in myself that made me a better person. You made me care about more than just appearance. You taught me how to be strong and how to think for myself. But how can I be that person when you're not there? What's the point? You said you loved me. I loved you too. But how can you love a person who turns their back on you? I can't do it anymore Elphie."

She stood up, wrapped the glasses in a thick handkerchief and placed them gently back in the innermost pocket of the suitcase.

An hour and a half later, Glinda surveyed the room one last time and headed down the stairs to grab chunk of bread and some cheese before she settled back into her seat in the waiting carriage. Almost as soon as the coach lurched into its steady, rickety pace, Glinda's eyes closed of their own accord and she was lulled into the sleep she had deprived herself of the night before.

Her sleep was riddled with dreams of Elphaba. Even in her dream worlds, the green girl's hawkish face showed up around every corner, so close but always out of reach. Glinda, running in pursuit, would cry out for her but the face would always disappear again, until one time, it didn't come back.

Suddenly, she was startled out of her dream by a sharp shove to the shoulder.

"Wake up, girl. Yer screamin' in yer sleep! Just kept sayin' 'Elphie, don't leave me' over and over again. Snap out of it!" The speaker, of course, was yet again the Glikkun dwarf. "Who's this 'Elphie' anyway?"

"I don't want to talk about it," said Glinda, staring blankly out the window.

"Oh come on. It'll be good fun. Tell us about the woman of your dreams."

"I said- I DON"T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! What part of that don't you understand? Leave me ALONE!" yelled Glinda, rousing some of the other passengers out of their sleep.

"Hah….I should've known the cat had claws," said the dwarf good-naturedly as she focused back on her knitting.

_I hate you for leaving me to deal with this on my own, Elphie, _thought Glinda. No sooner had she had that thought than her eyes closed again and she drifted back into her dream world.

_She was back at Shiz. It was early autumn and the leaves were falling over Suicide Canal. There were Nessa and Nanny, smiling and laughing as they had their afternoon tea with Avaric, Fiyero, Shenshen and Pfannee. Crope and Tibbett were dragging themselves out of the canal (as their saucy commentary had more than likely gotten them dumped in the water yet again). Boq was leaning against a tree making small talk with Milla, who was laughing and batting her eyelashes in a most unsubtle way._

_Glinda sat down in the circle of friends with a rather pained expression. Pfannee asked her what was wrong._

_"I'm just thinking about Elphaba," she replied._

_"Oh, Glinda, you shouldn't let the guilt eat away at you," said Nessa. "You've made your confession to the Unnamed God. You've got nothing to feel at fault about anymore."_

_"Wait a minute….what? Guilt? Fault? What are you talking about? Why would I feel guilty about Elphaba abandoning me?" asked a very confused Glinda._

_"Well, dearie," Nanny chimed in, "The way I see it, you were the one who left her there. You came back to Shiz, to the familiar faces and the places you already knew. You left her to make her own way in the Emerald City without even so much as a thought about whether or not she might need you there. In all actuality, Glinda, _you_ abandoned_ her._"_

_"W-what? I'm sorry, I think I just hallucinated. You're blaming this on me?"_

_"No, no, my dear. As my Nessie already said, you've had your little chat with the higher powers….no more guilt or blame. Besides, I'm sure she's doing just fine in that harsh city where she doesn't know anyone or have any money. And I'm sure she's not mad at all that you left her to fend for herself."_

Glinda awoke with a start as the carriage pulled into the final watering stop for the day before they reached the next inn.

_Oh my God,_ she thought._ What if….what if she needs me? And I left without so much as an offer to stay and help. What if she thinks I abandoned her?_


	3. Bargaining Part 1

Sorry it's taken so long for me to continue this. My computer's been screwed up for god knows how long and I've just recently been able to get the problem fixed for good. Sincerest apologies.  
As always, the characters don't belong to me...I'm just playing with them for a while! R&R. :)

**Stage 3: Bargaining (Part One)  
**In which Glinda makes a bargain with the higher deities of Oz and takes a slight detour on the road to Shiz.

Glinda stumbled blindly out of the carriage, clutching the small, inevitably pink valise to her side. The horses were pulled off to the side of a small stream which was tucked to the edge of a wild, grassy field.

Without so much as a glance to the rest of the passengers, Glinda made her way over to a clump of high bushes and sat down in their shade. From her vantage point, she could still see the rest of the passengers resting alongside the stream, trailing their feet in the cool water and laughing about one thing or another. She'd be able to see when it was time for her to go, but for now she needed the solitude of the bushes.

Her mind was racing, filled with a million thoughts a minute. _This must be what it's like to be inside of Elphie's brain….always on the go,_ she thought._ Elphie._

"She's alone," Glinda said to herself, almost in a whisper. "She's alone, and I left her there. This isn't her fault. It's mine. She didn't think I'd want to stay, so she let me go, even though she needed me. And I didn't even take the time to think about her before I started throwing my own goddamn pity party! What does she think of me now? What a horrible friend I turned out to be. If I had just done things differently, let her know how much she really meant to me, she wouldn't have let me go. Of course, she'd insist that I go, but I could have put my foot down. 'Elphaba Thropp,' I'd have said, 'You listen to me. You are my best friend and I love you. Wherever you go, I go too.' But I didn't. And now she's alone. Sweet Oz….what have I done?"

Glinda was sitting there with her head in her hands, trying to fend off a fresh wave of tears that she felt. A few deep breaths later, she sat upright.

"No," she said. "No more tears. What's done is done and I can't change it. But I can make it right. I can do what I should have done in the first place. I'm going to find her. That's right….first thing in the morning, I'm going back to the Emerald City!"

As she stood up, with renewed purpose, she heard the whistle of the driver signaling the passengers to return to the coach. Glinda made her way over to the carriage and found her seat. For the first time since she watched Elphaba fade into the distance, everything seemed clear.

Glinda would trade in her ticket with the coach driver tomorrow morning for a fare on the Emerald City-bound coach. She'd get to the Emerald City, find Elphie, and apologize for being so thoughtless. She could only hope Elphaba would be able to forgive her. And that she wouldn't lose her nerve.

But she couldn't lose her nerve. For her own sake, and for Elphie's, Glinda knew she had to be strong. She forced herself to put all doubts behind her.

Hours later, as she tucked herself into yet another uncomfortable inn bed, Glinda began to pray.

"Lurline….Unnamed God….Dragon of Time….I don't normally pray. And I guess it's probably not normal to pray to all of you at the same time, but I'm just hoping that maybe one of you will hear me. I'm taking a trip tomorrow. It's a really important trip. I have to make things right with Elphaba but I first I have to find her, and I don't even know where to begin. So I'll cut a deal with you. Help me find her. You help me find her and I'll…I'll….well I don't know what I'll do. I'd offer to convert her, but that's just wishful thinking on all your parts.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't ask for much. But I really need this. If you can find it in your hearts to make this happen the way I need it to, I'd really appreciate it. Please. Please. _Please._ Thank you and….amen, I guess."

For the first time since she'd climbed over the wall of Crage Hall's vegetable garden with Elphaba nearly two weeks ago, Glinda slept peacefully, dreamlessly.

When she awoke the next morning, she felt calm with a renewed sense of purpose (even though her heart was beating at what she was certain was five times its normal rate). Glinda washed up and was dressed and repacked in ten minutes flat. She was almost positive she had never done anything that quickly before, but she also knew that there had never been so much at stake.

Valise in tow, she hurried as ladylike as possible down the steps- if it weren't for propriety she would have bounded down two at a time. Without even stopping in the kitchens for a bit of breakfast, she made her way outside to the waiting carriages where the drivers were in the middle of harnessing their horses.

With little trouble (other than the fact that driver she spoke to had a horrendous case of morning breath) Glinda was able to get her ticket changed and her affairs put in order so that twenty minutes later she was boarding the Emerald City-bound carriage instead of the one that would have taken her back to Shiz. Having boarded first, she watched from her window seat as the Glikkun dwarf clambered on to the Shiz-bound wagon, and Glinda thought, somewhat surprisingly, that she would miss the old hag. The insults and snide remarks put forth from the gruff little woman had been the only sure thing since Elphaba had gone.

_But, of course, that doesn't matter because I'm on my way to get Elphie back, _she laughed to herself as her own carriage pulled its way out of the inn yard. _What a silly girl I am!_

By the time the carriage pulled into the next resting place that night, Glinda had formulated a plan and was constantly repeating it in her head. She recited it as she settled into her room. She recited it over dinner, which she ate ravenously as she'd not had the sense to eat breakfast. She recited it as she prepared for bed, and she murmured it softly, with a contented smile, as she drifted into sleep.

"Step One: Find Elphie. Check every library, bookstore, and café I can find. Go back to the Wizard's palace and she if she's been back there. If that doesn't work, I'll find out what it means to 'go underground'. If she can do it, so can I.

Step Two: Make things right. Apologize profusely and beg for forgiveness if necessary. Let her know I'll never abandon her again.

Step Three: Follow her to the ends of the earth."


End file.
